Fuck Flattering

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Hi, my names Emma and I really don’t give a fuck anymore about anyone’s opinions on my body or the way I dress. I spent years of my life lusting over sexy body-con dresses, sultry pencil skirts and summer crop tops. I sometimes tried them on but took one look in the mirror and ripped them straight back off again (carefully of course, I mean I’m not into destroying shop property). Even though I really liked the clothes and often loved how they made me feel I looked in the mirror and all I could see was my lumps and bumps. Those lumps and bumps that I had been told consistently though my life to hide away by the media. Being curvy was fine, as long as you knew how to dress your body aka as long as you knew how to cover up the parts of you that were offensive to western beauty ideals. But then this dress came along…

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I was out shopping for new clothes to take with my to Download festival and I came across this dress in NewLook. There was pretty much nothing else I liked in the shop so I decided to take a chance and try it on. I was anxious- bodycon and stripes! Two of the things curvy girls are told to avoid like the plague. But I tried it on and I liked it. Actually I loved it. It was super comfy, I knew it wouldn’t fly up on the wind and most importantly I loved how my body looked in it. I stepped out into the corridor of the changing room so I could get a better look in the bigger mirror. For some unknown reason I asked another woman who just so happened to be in the changing room at the time what she thought of the dress and then came the dreaded words “I do like it but I honestly don’t think it’s very flattering on you”. I know the lady didn’t mean any harm and I did ask for her opinion but it still stung. Luckily I acted against what she said and went for it, I brought the goddamn dress and wore it to Download and felt bloody amazing.

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And so my love affair with clingy clothes and my lumpy body began. I wear what I want when I want. I’m done with asking other peoples opinions. If I like it then that’s all that matters. Fuck flattering, fuck size appropriate, fuck too revealing, fuck too short, fuck too busy. And I never ever bother with shape wear. If you want to wear it then cool, you do you, but I am so fed up of this idea that we need to smooth out our lumps and bumps to be entitled to wear form fitting clothes. I’m done hiding my shape and I’m done caring what flatters it. As long as I’m comfortable and happy then that’s what matters. Who’s with me?!

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Toodles!

On Anxiety

So apparently it is mental health awareness day today, or so Facebook tells me. As you all know I suffer from anxiety and depression and it still sucks major ass. Lately I’ve kinda got a bit more of a grip on life thanks to a mixture of support, better organisation, medication and just life situations being a bit better. But I still struggle and in a way it’s even harder to deal with when it hits because when you’re feeling shit everyday it becomes routine but when you have been doing well and it just (often) comes out of nowhere it’s got that extra shock value. You feel like giving up. You feel like all that hard work was for nothing because the crap never goes away. But anyway, I digress. I’m writing this post because I feel like there are some things I would like to explain about my anxiety because I know they might not be obvious to other people. This is probably going to be pretty badly written and kinda rambley but I felt like I needed to get this out. I’m pretty sure that this post in incredibly cliche and a million people on the internet have already said the same things but damn it, it’s important to me so I’m gonna write about it!

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  • Trust me- I know it’s annoying when I cancel on you. It annoys me too and I hate having to cancel on people and it often makes my anxiety worse for a while, sometimes even sending me into a panic attack. When I cancel on people I often feel like they then hate me. I worry that you think I’m just making excuses when I say I’m having a bad mental health day. But sometimes I literally can’t leave my house, my room or even my bed. I would love to be out having fun with you but I sometimes can’t. Which leads me on to my next point…
  • Please don’t exclude me from plans. I know it’s frustrating when I cancel on you a lot but even if you think I’m not going to come please still invite me to events. That inclusion helps ease the fears that people don’t like hanging out with me and are mad at me for cancelling on them. It’s nice to feel like someone is thinking about you.
  • I can’t just “not worry” about it. Worrying is what I do. Even the smallest little worry can easily blow up into a massive worry. Telling me not to worry about something often adds to the worry and sends me spiralling into an introspective state where I start worrying about my inability to stop worrying about the thing I was originally worrying about.
  • I’m sorry I say Sorry a lot. Another thing that my anxiety causes me to do that I know is annoying and I wish I could stop. If I do something that I think is wrong or has upset you I will worry about it for ages, even if it’s a tiny thing and I will say sorry way more that you think is necessary. There’s a good chance I will message you later in the day to say sorry again. I know it’s annoying, sorry!
  • Yep- I am a confident person with anxiety. I’m pretty sure most people who know me would describe me as confident, outgoing even. I mean I’m fairly loud both literally and in how I present myself physically. But surprisingly confidence and anxiety can coexist in a person. I know, it’s confusing for me too. It’s a super frustrating experience for me. When I’m in a bad patch of anxiety, especially if it’s to do with some sort of social event, I often get very self critical, thinking back over all the parties I’ve attended recently or speeches I’ve given or new friends I’ve made. And it’s super frustrating- it’s like there’s two of me- the confident me and the anxious me. The fight and it sucks and I can’t really explain it but it’s so shitty to have to live with!

And breathe. That was pretty intense to write and I’m sorry if it makes absolutely no sense. There are so many more points I could raise but I’m gonna stop now because ironically writing this is making me very anxious. Just remember- you can never tell what a person is going through. Be compassionate.

Toodles.

Quick Fix Tortilla Chips

I love food and I love cooking but sometimes I just want a quick fix. I really fancied crisps the other night but didn’t have any in the house and it was too late to go out so I got experimental! I decided to try and make tortilla chips with some tortilla wraps I had left over from lunch. Luckily they came out amazingly and were much healthier and dare I say tastier than shop brought ones. So I thought I would share the recipe with you!

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Ingredients 

  • Tortilla Wraps (I used plain white wheat wraps but any would do)
  • A splash of olive oil (about 1/4 of a teaspoon per wrap)
  • Seasoning of your choice (I’ve used bbq seasoning and just salt so far but you could use anything- chilli powder, curry powder, black pepper, Italian herbs- get creative

Method 

  • Preheat your oven to 170º C (340ºF)
  • Lightly brush olive oil over one side of your tortilla then flip it over and do the same on the other side
  • Take a pizza slicer or knife and slice the tortilla into roughly 8 triangular slices
  • Arrange the slices on a baking tray
  • Sprinkle your seasoning of choice over all the slices. Try to be as even as possible here so you don’t get one chip loaded with seasoning and then another with virtually none.
  • Place in the oven for 5 minutes
  • Flip the chips and sprinkle on more seasoning
  • Return to the oven for 5 more minutes
  • Take out of the oven and serve! You can either eat these straight from the oven or wait for them to cool to room temperature

You can do whatever you want with these tortilla chips. I had then with some fajita Heinz beans and mayola for lunch today but you could have them plain, dipped in salsa, covered in melty vegan cheese the options are endless!

I hope you enjoy this recipe! Let me know if you try it out.

Toodles.

Time To Get My Shit Together

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Time for yet more honesty and opening up from this chick. Things are still pretty tough right now. I’m still struggling with uni, social situations are still tricky and there are still days where I can’t even get out of bed. But I can see improvements. I’m only having to apply for an extended deadline for one essay. I just got a first on a presentation in class. I’ve been out with friends a lot more. I just went away for the weekend to Bristol for a meetup. I am trying and it is working. I’m an impatient person and I wanted things to be better just like that but the realist in me knows that’s not how things work. There’s no magic wand that can fix my mental health. But there is medication, therapy, friends, family, eating well, positive thoughts and actions. I might never be free of this but a mixture of those things sure will help.

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It’s coming up to summer break now and I want to work on making more positive life changes so that third year will be the best yet. I’m a typical Virgo so I love making lists so here’s a list of things I want to do over the summer that I think will vastly improve my state of mind:

❤ Read at least 3 books– I have been having massive problems with concentration lately and I used to be such a book worm so I think working on getting back into reading will really help this.

❤ Have the house tidy AF– My part of the house is embarrassingly messy. I put this down to my depression and my general messy habits. But enough is enough. I am fed up of this and I am going to make this place organised and spotless!

❤ Sort out my clothes– My style has taken a bit of a U-turn lately and I have brought a lot of clothes to go with that… most of which are living in a suitcase cause my wardrobe is full. I need to let go of things that don’t fit and things that don’t make me feel fabulous as hell.

❤ Get back into blogging– Hey I’m making a good start on this already! I’m not going to set myself any massive goals but if I’m blogging at least once a week I will be happy. I have a whole list of things I want to write about so hopefully that will keep me going.

❤ Sort out my sleeping pattern– because going to bed at 3am every night really fucks with my head.

❤ Practice my spirituality more– I have a new, beautiful pack of oracle cards I brought over a month ago that I still haven’t touched. I need to get back in touch with the earth and my soul.

❤ Stop biting my nails– I did achieve this goal for a while, then things got stressful again. I want to get to a point where my nails are so nice I wouldn’t even dream of ruining them.

 

So there we go. This summer I’m gonna get my shit together. I’m not saying I’m going to be all better and hunky dory but I am determined to get myself in a better head space than the one I’m in now.

Thank you for bearing with me!

Toodles!

 

Breaking My Silence

Okay, time to be honest. I haven’t been very well lately and I am really struggling. It’s taken me a really long time to come to terms with this and actually reach out for help and give myself a break. I suffer from depression and anxiety and have done since I was about thirteen or fourteen. I didn’t know what was going on back then but that was what it was then and what it is today.

Back in my first year of uni in early 2014 I tried to get some help but gave up too easily and just tried to keep pushing through, constantly exhausting myself and making excuses for not meeting up with my friends or attending my classes. However this year I decided I have had enough and went to the doctors and got a formal diagnoses and some help. My doctor was really lovely and a felt like I could open up and be really honest with her about how much I have been struggling to just survive. I sound like I am being over-dramatic but trust me I’m not. That’s how it can feel for people with depression- you just loose the will to live and find basic everyday tasks like getting food and having a shower virtually impossible. When you throw anxiety into the mix it makes things ever more frustrating. I panic and worry about all these things I could and should be doing but the depressed voice in my head tells me that it’s not worth the effort anyway and there’s no point even trying. It’s a constant contradiction and it is so tiring to go through again and again.

I’m currently on some medication to attempt to sort out the chemical imbalance in my brain that is causing the depression so I can start working on coping strategies to overcome the anxiety. Annoyingly right now after five and a half weeks the tablets are making my anxiety much worse and my mood hasn’t really lifted that much overall. However I’m not going to give up, there are different doses and different medications that work best for different people. I was so scared to go on medication because it felt like giving in but it’s not like that at all. It’s a super strong thing to do. It’s stepping up and saying “hi, I need help, I can’t fix this illness with sheer willpower” and there’s nothing wrong with that. Depression is an illness and just like any other illness you deserve to get the right treatment for you so you can live your best life.

I’m having a pretty good day today which feels pretty weird as I have been feeling so shit lately. It makes me feel somewhat guilty which I know is ridiculous. My rational brain hates this illness. To combat that guilty feeling I decided to write this post to share my truth and let other people know they are not alone. I also hope if you are one of my friends reading this it explains why I have been so distant lately. Since being open and honest with myself I have felt so much less pressure.

My university has been amazingly helpful since I told them how bad things have been for me. I have an extended deadline for my work as I literally cannot focus on anything, not even a movie, on a bad day. The living support team and my personal tutor have been amazing at pointing me in the right direction and letting me take things at my own pace. My friends and family have also been way more understanding than I ever imagined. I know that won’t be the same for everybody but you never know until you speak up.

Speaking up can be the hardest thing for some people, let alone people with mental health conditions but it really does lift so much pressure from you to just tell someone and start down that path to a better life. I don’t know if I will ever be fully better but I do know that things can improve. I will always have good days and bad days but being open about my depression and anxiety means that people know why I’m acting the way I am, even if they don’t fully understand it. Anyway, I’m going to stop rambling on now. I hope this blog post explained some things and maybe gave some people some hope. Thank you for reading this far. If you have any questions or comments feel free to leave them below.

Toodles.

A Very Jolly, Very Vegan Christmas

Hello everyone! I hope you all had a lovely festive period. We are now in that odd floaty time between Christmas and New Years when no one quite knows what to do. I’m filling some of that time with some slightly self indulgent end of year posts. First things first I want to share some photos and memories from My Christmas with you.

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Firstly we have a tale of mince pie woes. I attempted to make mince pies using a jar of mince mix and some Just Roll puff pastry. Too bad I forgot the fundamental property of puff pastry… it PUFFS up! Yeah they kinda exploded just a little bit. But they were super tasty and that’s what matters right? I chucked some Alpro soya custard on them and all was good.

Christmas trees galore! The one on the left is mine and the one on the right is my Mum’s. I did a post last year about the decorations on my tree but this year I added a freaking Deathstar bauble! How awesome is that? Mum’s tree is always a beautiful colour coordinated masterpiece where as I kinda just chuck my decorations at the tree and hope for the best. The photo of Mum’s tree isn’t the best but it is whit with stunning purple and sliver decorations.

Family! Christmas for me is all about family. Me and Oli trundled up to my Mum’s house on Christmas eve to spend the Christmas period there. Nana came up on Christmas morning to open presents with us then she popped of to my Uncle’s house across town for dinner. We spent the day playing with our presents, eating great food watching Love Actually and playing silly card games like Adventure Time Top Trumps (thank you Oli for the awesome present) and Cards Against Humanity.

On Boxing day Nana came round again and we had another lovely meal and played yet more games- this time the Trivial Pursuit made it’s annual appearance with Nana taking home the crown.

On the day after Boxing day me and Jenny ventured into Truro the brave the sales. Honestly we were mainly going to see what was in the 50% off sale in lush. I got a lovely body scrub bar and some hair oil. We went for a festive Starbucks trip before heading home. Before me and Oli left to go back to ours we sat down to tea and watched the Big Fat Quiz of the Year and didn’t do too bad. Although we would have lost if we had been on the show, we did totally nail the last bonus points round.

Food glorious food! There was lots of food, as yo would expect from a family Christmas in England. Top right hand photo is my Christmas day  lunch of nibbles including crackers with vegan spread, pickles, pretzels and Violife vegan cheese. The bottom picture is my epic Christmas dinner pre stuffing and gravy. I had the Tofurky vegan roast as the main part of my meal and boy was it good! So moist and yummy. It was also great cold the next day, as seen above, with chips and peas. I also had 2 sandwiches full of Tofurky so I call that a success.

Mum also made me my very own bactch of 18 vegan cupcakes, the last of which I ate yesterday, ooops! I’m honestly kinda impressed that I ate that many! I had plenty of boiled sweets and snacky crackers as well as vegan chocolate- Mum even found vegan chocolate coins!

I got so many lovely presents that I am so super grateful for! Thank you everyone for being so generous and knowing me so well! Some of my personal favourites include a Harry Potter colouring book, The Vegan Stoner Cookbook, a beautiful Lush gift set, Adventure Time top trumps and adorable stickers. I love you all so much, once again thank you times a million!

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I also once again took part in the Crown and Glory Glitterati Secret Santa. Mine arrived in the post about a week before Christmas but I really wanted to save it for the big day. I love everything! The book looks fascinating, I love looking at other peoples tattoos and learning more about its history. Also “Beautiful” is my favourite shower gel from Lush and I’m just running out so absolutely perfect timing. Thank you to my mystery gift giver.

So that was my Christmas 2015! I hope you all had a lovely time and are feeling happy and positive about the new year. I’m hoping to post again before 2016 but just in case I don’t I hope you all have a fabulous night leading into an amazing year.

Toodles.

 

Tis The Season To Be Rocking!

Hello people!  I have been trying to get into the festive spirit lately and I suddenly remembered about a playlist I made last year. I created an awesome playlist of alternative Christmas songs, mainly rock inspired jams. So I thought I would share that awesome list with you guys. The Youtube list is a bit better as it has more songs on however I did make a Spotify version too. I hope you enjoy rocking out to some Christmas jams!

 

Happy holidays to my lovely readers!

Toodles.

Things I Love Thursday

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This week has been amazing and I am super excited to share it with you!

❤ I finally sorted out my make-up and I actually have less than I though! I have way more than this time last year though. I used to be so scared of experimenting with it but now I find it so much fun!

❤ Having my first bubble tea! Refreshing, fun and yummy!

❤ Wearing face gems below my eyes. I felt like a super cute cartoon character all day.

❤ The Glitterati party in London! I had so much fun meeting fabulous people, eating yummy cakes and drinking a wee bit too much free prosecco! There will be a post all about this, my time in London and a wee haul soon!

❤ Meeting Sophie from Crown and Glory and Kat from Rock’n’Roll bride. They were both so lovely and it was so awesome to be around people who have inspired me and taught me I can do anything I want if I try hard enough.

❤ Having a cheeky Nando’s with Saskia after getting lost in Whitechapel. I laughed so hard when I noticed that person in the background quietly judging us!

❤ Daddy O shampoo from Lush. My hair feels so good and the lingering smell of Parma Violets is beautiful.

❤ Going out for a family meal last night. It was nice to all go out together and have a catch up over good food. They really do all rock!

❤ Finally buying a tangle teazer! Between that and the new Lush shampoo and conditioner I have super happy hair! A girls gotta treat herself!

I have a lot of fun things coming up over the next few weeks so expect lots of exciting posts!

Toodles.

Things I Love Thursday

❤ Mine and Oli’s anniversary, woop still going strong.

❤ The fact that we can now get chippy-chips delivered!

❤ Voting today in the UK General Election. It feels good to be taking a bit of a stand and using my vote wisely.

❤ Rainbows.

❤ Spending most of Saturday with my sister Jenny. We had some lunch, did some shopping and just had sisterly fun. I miss her!

❤ The new(ish) filters on Instagram.

❤ My new colouring book that my Nana bought me. Its called Animal Kingdom a Colouring Adventure and it’s by Millie Marotta. Its full of beautiful, intricate animal illustrations for you to colour in. Its super calming and fun to do. I thin colouring may be my new obsession.

❤  The May Glitterati box! All I will say is flowers galore!

❤ Home made chocolate cake at the Church bazaar the other day.

❤ The ridiculous video below that me and Jenny filmed for her Youtube account… watch and laugh! (My voice is so deep in the video, i have no idea why!)

Toodles.

Things I Love Thursday

❤ Seeing my fabulous family and celebrating my Mum’s birthday. It was nice to treat her and see her smiley.

❤ Going into a charity shop and realising that the brand new, rainbow coloured dress I fell in love with two weeks ago was still there. I caved and tried it on and it fit perfectly. Then to top the whole thing off Nana paid for it as an Easter Present. So happy!

❤ Celebrating the magic in the world.

❤ My fabulous thigh tattoo. I’m so glad I got it. I’d wanted one for a while but was really paranoid that my thighs were too fat and it would just look silly but hey it looks amazing! It’s also make me love my thighs and is a daily affirmation that reminds me to love myself no matter what.

❤ Going on a unicorn search through town with Oli to cheer me up. I finally found one and she’s perfect. Technically she is a pegacorn because she had wonderful shiny wings. I called her Cupcake Sprinkles because duh! I woke up cuddling her the other morning because you are never too old for cuddly toys. I also love this photo of Cupcake and Oli bonding. Apparently she was watching him play his game.

❤ Chilling with Sam at Gylly beach cafe having a little catch up. This mango, raspberry smoothie and vegan chocolate cupcake were so yummy! Good company and good food always make a winning combo.

❤ Finally sorting through my wardrobe and drawers, boy do I have too many clothes.

❤ Going for a stroll around Argal Lake today with Beth. The weather was glorious and we saw so many cute dogs.

❤ On the subject of cute dogs I love how me and Oli always text each other when we see cute dogs.

❤ I saw a wee little fox out of Nana’s window last night, it was so cute. It had the cutest wiggly walk.

❤ Hanging out with Nana and watching Mama Mia. 

Toodles!