Fuck Flattering

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Hi, my names Emma and I really don’t give a fuck anymore about anyone’s opinions on my body or the way I dress. I spent years of my life lusting over sexy body-con dresses, sultry pencil skirts and summer crop tops. I sometimes tried them on but took one look in the mirror and ripped them straight back off again (carefully of course, I mean I’m not into destroying shop property). Even though I really liked the clothes and often loved how they made me feel I looked in the mirror and all I could see was my lumps and bumps. Those lumps and bumps that I had been told consistently though my life to hide away by the media. Being curvy was fine, as long as you knew how to dress your body aka as long as you knew how to cover up the parts of you that were offensive to western beauty ideals. But then this dress came along…

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I was out shopping for new clothes to take with my to Download festival and I came across this dress in NewLook. There was pretty much nothing else I liked in the shop so I decided to take a chance and try it on. I was anxious- bodycon and stripes! Two of the things curvy girls are told to avoid like the plague. But I tried it on and I liked it. Actually I loved it. It was super comfy, I knew it wouldn’t fly up on the wind and most importantly I loved how my body looked in it. I stepped out into the corridor of the changing room so I could get a better look in the bigger mirror. For some unknown reason I asked another woman who just so happened to be in the changing room at the time what she thought of the dress and then came the dreaded words “I do like it but I honestly don’t think it’s very flattering on you”. I know the lady didn’t mean any harm and I did ask for her opinion but it still stung. Luckily I acted against what she said and went for it, I brought the goddamn dress and wore it to Download and felt bloody amazing.

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And so my love affair with clingy clothes and my lumpy body began. I wear what I want when I want. I’m done with asking other peoples opinions. If I like it then that’s all that matters. Fuck flattering, fuck size appropriate, fuck too revealing, fuck too short, fuck too busy. And I never ever bother with shape wear. If you want to wear it then cool, you do you, but I am so fed up of this idea that we need to smooth out our lumps and bumps to be entitled to wear form fitting clothes. I’m done hiding my shape and I’m done caring what flatters it. As long as I’m comfortable and happy then that’s what matters. Who’s with me?!

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Toodles!

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Breaking My Silence

Okay, time to be honest. I haven’t been very well lately and I am really struggling. It’s taken me a really long time to come to terms with this and actually reach out for help and give myself a break. I suffer from depression and anxiety and have done since I was about thirteen or fourteen. I didn’t know what was going on back then but that was what it was then and what it is today.

Back in my first year of uni in early 2014 I tried to get some help but gave up too easily and just tried to keep pushing through, constantly exhausting myself and making excuses for not meeting up with my friends or attending my classes. However this year I decided I have had enough and went to the doctors and got a formal diagnoses and some help. My doctor was really lovely and a felt like I could open up and be really honest with her about how much I have been struggling to just survive. I sound like I am being over-dramatic but trust me I’m not. That’s how it can feel for people with depression- you just loose the will to live and find basic everyday tasks like getting food and having a shower virtually impossible. When you throw anxiety into the mix it makes things ever more frustrating. I panic and worry about all these things I could and should be doing but the depressed voice in my head tells me that it’s not worth the effort anyway and there’s no point even trying. It’s a constant contradiction and it is so tiring to go through again and again.

I’m currently on some medication to attempt to sort out the chemical imbalance in my brain that is causing the depression so I can start working on coping strategies to overcome the anxiety. Annoyingly right now after five and a half weeks the tablets are making my anxiety much worse and my mood hasn’t really lifted that much overall. However I’m not going to give up, there are different doses and different medications that work best for different people. I was so scared to go on medication because it felt like giving in but it’s not like that at all. It’s a super strong thing to do. It’s stepping up and saying “hi, I need help, I can’t fix this illness with sheer willpower” and there’s nothing wrong with that. Depression is an illness and just like any other illness you deserve to get the right treatment for you so you can live your best life.

I’m having a pretty good day today which feels pretty weird as I have been feeling so shit lately. It makes me feel somewhat guilty which I know is ridiculous. My rational brain hates this illness. To combat that guilty feeling I decided to write this post to share my truth and let other people know they are not alone. I also hope if you are one of my friends reading this it explains why I have been so distant lately. Since being open and honest with myself I have felt so much less pressure.

My university has been amazingly helpful since I told them how bad things have been for me. I have an extended deadline for my work as I literally cannot focus on anything, not even a movie, on a bad day. The living support team and my personal tutor have been amazing at pointing me in the right direction and letting me take things at my own pace. My friends and family have also been way more understanding than I ever imagined. I know that won’t be the same for everybody but you never know until you speak up.

Speaking up can be the hardest thing for some people, let alone people with mental health conditions but it really does lift so much pressure from you to just tell someone and start down that path to a better life. I don’t know if I will ever be fully better but I do know that things can improve. I will always have good days and bad days but being open about my depression and anxiety means that people know why I’m acting the way I am, even if they don’t fully understand it. Anyway, I’m going to stop rambling on now. I hope this blog post explained some things and maybe gave some people some hope. Thank you for reading this far. If you have any questions or comments feel free to leave them below.

Toodles.

Things I Love Thursday

❤ This sexy bean. Yesterday marked me and Oli living together for a whole year and I have enjoyed every second of it. He makes me feel safe when I am panicking, he looks after me when I am ill and he always manages to make me laugh, what more could I ask for? Thank you for being such a great roomie!

❤ This awesome Love soap from Lush. All of the profits from this soap go to LGBT charities and it smells amazing and just when you thought it couldn’t get any better- it’s glittery! Give this soap a smell next time you are in lush and if you can buy it and support a good cause. I actually found out about America passing the marriage equality bill whilst in Lush buying this which I think is rather appropriate!

❤ Spending the day shopping in Truro with Nana followed by a trip to the Hall For Cornwall to see a Beach Boys tribute act. It was really fun and I always love spending time with Nana.

❤ My summer job. Although it is hard work, hot and bloody gross at times it is also fun. I get to have a laugh with lots of fun people and hopefully help others have a good stay in Cornwall. Also I get to check out the fun things Students leave behind like the positive graffiti on a bench in the photo above. Oh and if I have learnt one thing so far its that no matter what there will be glitter somewhere in a student’s bedroom.

❤ Taking part in Gala Darling’s #radicalselflovejuly on Instagram. You should totally check it out if you are on there. It’s a month long photo challenge full of fun, inspiration and most importantly prompts to help you radically love yourself.

Toodles.

Things I Love Thursday

❤ Seeing my fabulous family and celebrating my Mum’s birthday. It was nice to treat her and see her smiley.

❤ Going into a charity shop and realising that the brand new, rainbow coloured dress I fell in love with two weeks ago was still there. I caved and tried it on and it fit perfectly. Then to top the whole thing off Nana paid for it as an Easter Present. So happy!

❤ Celebrating the magic in the world.

❤ My fabulous thigh tattoo. I’m so glad I got it. I’d wanted one for a while but was really paranoid that my thighs were too fat and it would just look silly but hey it looks amazing! It’s also make me love my thighs and is a daily affirmation that reminds me to love myself no matter what.

❤ Going on a unicorn search through town with Oli to cheer me up. I finally found one and she’s perfect. Technically she is a pegacorn because she had wonderful shiny wings. I called her Cupcake Sprinkles because duh! I woke up cuddling her the other morning because you are never too old for cuddly toys. I also love this photo of Cupcake and Oli bonding. Apparently she was watching him play his game.

❤ Chilling with Sam at Gylly beach cafe having a little catch up. This mango, raspberry smoothie and vegan chocolate cupcake were so yummy! Good company and good food always make a winning combo.

❤ Finally sorting through my wardrobe and drawers, boy do I have too many clothes.

❤ Going for a stroll around Argal Lake today with Beth. The weather was glorious and we saw so many cute dogs.

❤ On the subject of cute dogs I love how me and Oli always text each other when we see cute dogs.

❤ I saw a wee little fox out of Nana’s window last night, it was so cute. It had the cutest wiggly walk.

❤ Hanging out with Nana and watching Mama Mia. 

Toodles!

Things I Love Thursday

Welcome to another week of gratitude.

❤ Galentines day with my babe Sarah.

❤ Dramatically lip-syncing Blank Space by Taylor Swift with Oli in Club I.

❤ Making plans to pop to Exeter for Beth’s birthday next week.

❤ Getting my radical self love tattoo! It was a valentines day present to myself and it was pretty freaking spontaneous. I got it a a craft fair! I think I will do a whole post about it and some more about my self love journey soon so keep your eyes peeled.

❤ The craft fair in general. It was at this new arts venue in Falmouth called A Curious Hall and it had so many awesome artists exhibiting. I brought an awesome etched wooden spoon that says “spoon me” on it and a cute little Pac Man and Mrs Pac Man cross stitch in a wee heart shaped frame. I had a lovely time there and can’t wait for the next one.

❤ Spending some quality time with my boo. He’s had a week off of uni this week and it’s been really nice to chill with him.

❤ Finally taking my Mum out for a meal at Zizzi’s last night. It was super lovely, great food, great atmosphere and awesome conversation.

❤ Writing poetry and liking it. You can check some of it out here.

❤ Discovering how to add stickers to my photos on instasize and putting them everywhere!

❤ Bus rides to uni. I find them a great time to do some serious thinking and planning.

❤ Constantly wearing my ametrine necklace. It’s such a positive stone and wearing it makes me feel all sparkly.

❤ Not biting my nails for a whole week. I am determined to break this habit!

❤ These super cute nail decals from DIY Nails that my Glitterati Secret Santa brought me. I only just got around to trying some of them out and I am so in love. I went ahead and ordered 2 more packs with different designs on. They are so simple to use but look amazing! They also last really well, I’ve had these on since Monday now and they are still fine.

Things I Love Thursday

Welcome to yet another week of gratitude and awesomeness. I rediscovered my “Book Of Awesome” this week. Basically it’s a moleskine notebook where I used to recorded my gratitude lists before I had this blog. Upon finding it I decided to start using it again so have been writing day 5 things I am grateful for every day. Gratitude is such an important thing and recording it can be transformative. Since I started writing gratitude lists I have been so much happier and have been appreciating life so much more. They are also great if you are feeling down, you can look over old lists and see all the awesome things that have happened and dig deep to find things you are grateful for in that moment even if they seem small. So here goes:

All about that bass in the gym! #instagram #gym #allaboutthatbass #bringingbootyback #pinkhairdontcare

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❤ Being silly at he Gym with Sarah.

❤ Getting back into eating salad. I love the colours of salad, they really help cheer a meal up.

❤ Wearing my new trainers. They are so comfy and to top it off they are purple and turquoise.

❤ Decorating this little notebook with tonnes of stickers. It is now relevant to all of my interests- unicorns, dinosaurs and happiness.

❤ Feeling a wee bit creative.

❤ Stroking a super fluffy black cat.

❤ I somehow managed to get a 1st on my cultural theory essay at uni. So proud of myself because I found that essay really hard.

❤ Going out for breakfast with my boo. It’s such a nice meal and it makes a change being up and out doing fun things in the morning.

❤ Sunny Sunday selfies! Me and Oli went for a little picnic on the beach, It was super sunny when we left but by the time we got there it was getting chilly. We sat on the beach and ate ice-cream regardless.

❤ Swanpool is so pretty, I am blessed to live so close to it.

❤ Chatting to Jane (the owner of my favourite shop- Just Like This) we always have a nice natter.

❤ Coming inside when it’s really cold outside.

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❤ Awesome new pretties. I needed to get a new purse because my old one decided it didn’t want to be a purse any more and I managed to find the perfect one in town. It is so cute, has the exact right amount of card slots for me and is the perfect size. I love it so much. Having the right purse is so important- your hard earned cash deserves a beautiful home after all. My Crown and Glory order arrived the other day so after months of lusting over it I finally have a Lotta Rosie hairband in icecream! I also got my valentines day gift to myself in the post today. I treated myself to two valentines day exclusive candles from Ember Candle Co and they are beautiful. They smell like strawberries and cream and they make my heat sing. I think buying yourself a valentines day present is a great way to practice radical self love.

❤ I love finding heart shapes in nature and I found this lovely little petal staring up at me on my walk home from the bus stop today.

❤ Seeing an old lady with a rad streak of bubble-gum pink in her fringe, you go girl!

❤ “Uptown Funk” by Bruno Mars is totally my jam this week! It’s so uplifting and awesome.

I thought I’d end this post by sharing Gala Darling’s recent video about gratitude and how you can slip some practices into your life. She’s the reason I started making gratitude lists and her blog posts constantly inspire me so I hope this video inspires you too.

Toodles.

Promises To Myself

Hello 2015! I can’t believe it is already the new year. I hope you all had an great start to the year, I know I did. I thought I would kick this blogging year off with my kind of new years resolutions. I say “kind of” because people rarely keep new years resolutions. These are more promises to myself. I really want to do these things because I know they will improve my life and my happiness.

1- I promise not to speak or think badly of my body.

I am guilty of preaching radical self love but not always doing a great job of practising it. I say and think so many negative things about my body on a regular basis and it needs to stop. It just makes me feel terrible and there’s no need for it. It is my vessel and it has done me pretty well so far. I carries me from A to B, deals with all the clumsy bumps and bruises I always get and is damn strong! It’s squishy and soft making it perfect for cuddles and keeping warm and I need to appreciate it more. This leads me on to my next promise.

2- I promise to look after myself better. 

Part of loving myself and my body involves looking after it properly. I want to keep up a good skincare routine this year. No more falling asleep with all my make up on, naughty Emma! Taking long showers then covering myself in lovely body butters makes me feel so good and helps me keep in touch with my body. I also want to get back into exercising. I used to love jogging by the river and now I live near Swanpool I can jog by the beach which would be lovely. I really need to get my sleeping back into a good pattern. I go to sleep super late then waste half the day in bed. I will never be a morning person but I could be much better if I really tried.

3- I promise to blog at least 3 times a week.

So far this year I know that hasn’t exactly gone to plan and I may have to put this one on hold for a week until uni deadlines are out of the way. But I am going to set myself the target of blogging 3 times a week. One of those posts will be “Things I Love Thursday” which I do almost every week now so I think this promise is totally doable.

4- I promise to read at least 12 books.

By books I mean non-uni books. I know 12 isn’t that many but when you are an English student it can be hard to find time to read books for pleasure. I used to be such a bookworm and I really want to actively make the time to read because it makes me happy! It shows that long it’s been since I read anything- I brought that copy of Alice in Wonderland this time last year, still haven’t read it! This will be the year I get back into reading.

5- I promise to keep myself organised.

I always start the year with good intentions. I buy a shiny new calendar and organiser and for the first few weeks actually use them and it’s all great… but then it slides. This year I have treated myself to a few bits from The Terrific Project store and they are just so pretty! I am hoping there colourful adorableness will inspire me to use them and keep myself organised! I still need to put the calendar up (I will do it straight after I post this) but I have already been putting my desk pad to good use.

So here’s to a positive, organised year full of books! I would love to hear some of your new years promises/resolutions so feel free to share them in the comments.

Toodles.

Personal Manifesto

I believe that writing something down makes it real. It takes it from the realms of abstract and places it firmly in the here and now. So I decided to write down my personal manifesto and put it out into the world.

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Physically writing this down really reaffirmed what I believe in and the things I need to do more of to keep myself happy and positive. In the past I have taken life way too seriously and not given myself time to enjoy the fun, simple and beautiful things. This list very much focuses on me and loving myself. I am working on putting myself first because then I will be in a happy positive state to help others. There are so many other things I could add to this list but I will leave them for another day.

Maybe try writing your own manifesto, I would love to read it 🙂

Loving Myself

At the beginning of the summer I decided to treat myself by buying Gala Darling’s Radical Self Love Bible School. It’s a wonderful 12 week course that helps you create an art journal bursting with positivity. Each week you get an email with prompts for your bible which you can expand on and play around with however you want. You can also work though the course at your own pace, meaning there’s no pressure.

I have not always loved myself. During the first few months of this year I was pretty harsh on myself. I was not happy on the course I was on, I wasn’t happy with how I was acting, I spent day’s locked in my room alone. I was eating terribly and gained some weight. I wasn’t looking after myself at all. I slowly realised with the help of my family and friends that I could escape this hole of doom I had been slowly sinking into.

I made the decision to change course (which I have written about here) and from that moment on I started climbing out. I knew that moving out of halls would help massively because although I loved my flatmates with all my heart, I had created a room full of negative energy and I needed out. So I decided to sign up for the course at the same time as I moved into my new house. A fresh new start meant I could start loving myself again.

Although I haven’t done as much of my Radical Self Love Bible as I would have liked to by this point I am still happy with it. I have been out have been out having fun with friends a lot, which is an equally positive way to spend my time.

I want to share some of the pages from my bible with you- I hope you enjoy them and they inspire you to get creative and love yourself!

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My cover page. I am so in love with this hot pink glitter glue, I need to get more soon! Pretty much all of my collages are made using pages from Company Magazine.

SONY DSC“I dedicate this book to fun! Life is full of joy, excitement and adventures. Being silly, having a blast and not caring what other people think= rad!!!”

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“Sad to Rad. Things to do to turn that frown upside down: ❤ Bake a microwave mug cake ❤ Go for a walk ❤ Listen to “My Rollercoaster” ❤ Put on a pretty colourful dress ❤ Wear cat ears ❤ Hang out with some ducks ❤ Take a long shower then cover yourself in lovely body butter”

SONY DSCThis page is about my greatest love affair! “Pink! (is my favourite crayon) My love affair with the colour pink started just before prom when I accidentally dyed my hair pink. Turns out I love it pink. Since then I have never looked back. Pink is such a happy, positive colour. It’s passion, love, fun & excitement. I feel like myself with pink hair, my true self. One of my favourite things about pink hair is the reactions people have to it, mainly young children- it brings them so much joy!”

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What style means to me. “Style to me is all about expressing myself. I love to wear 50’s style dresses with odd little touches like cat necklaces and skulls on everything. I love the juxtapositions of my personal style- vintage, feminine, floral dresses contrasted with skulls and tattoos. I love my pink and blue mermaid locks and they never fail to give my confidence. I put no boundaries on myself and dress to make me happy. It’s amazing what a dress and some lippy can do!”

I hope you enjoyed seeing inside my ongoing Radical Self Love Bible. I will update you when I have worked on it a bit more. Shout out to my lovely mum because I used a blanket she crocheted out of my baby clothes as a backdrop for these photos. Here’s a link to her craft blog: Purple Rose Emporium.

Toodles for now!

 

 

Things I Love Thursday

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Hello people and happy Thursday! I totally forgot to post this last week so this weeks has to be especially awesome!

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❤ My new epic, pink, giant wine glass

❤ Beautiful lightening

❤ Ice creams on the beach

❤ My friend Saskia getting into Uni

❤ Pugs

❤ Finding the perfect clothes in unexpected places. A cute cut out dress in The British Red Cross shop for £5 and a lovely bubblegum pink skirt in Sainsburys for only £8 in the sale

❤ Working on my Radical Self Love Bible 

❤ Staying up late with Sonera on Tumblr

❤ Cooking for the household

❤ Ducks!!!!

❤ Showing friends and family around my new place

❤ Having blissful sleep

❤ The perfect vegan mug cake recipe

❤ Baking days

❤ Pink glitter glue

❤ Drinking copious amounts of tea

❤ All of the positive things going on on facebook. This is my collage of 5 photos where I felt beautiful:

photovisi-download (1)I hope you have all had an amazing week. Let me know if anything super has happened lately!